Head & Heart #41: Belonging v Fitting-in
Some thoughts seven weeks into our sea-change (plus 5 things that are adding value to my life right now)
It's been almost 7 weeks since we moved from Canberra to our new home on the Fleurieu Peninsula (south of Adelaide), and E started at her new school 3 weeks ago. Overall I think it’s going well, but change is often hard and a bit exhausting and it definitely feels like we’re in that in-between phase, having left one thing but not quite feeling settled in the next.
As I support the kids to adjust, I've been thinking a lot about fitting in and belonging. A couple of years ago I read this piece and it made me realise that there is an important difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’. Belonging is about acceptance, fitting in is about conformation. We should be more concerned about our children having a sense of belonging, than whether or not they feel like they fit in.
But I’ve been pondering how one figures out where they ‘belong’? As an adult with more life experience I suspect we have a stronger sense of the places and people with whom we belong and we have the ability to foster and seek out those connections. I wonder if developing that understanding of where we belong actually often comes through noticing the painful, awkward feelings and experiences of not belonging, especially in childhood and early adulthood, and contrasting these with the moments we’ve shown up and felt like we were genuinely accepted as ourselves. A big part of figuring out who you are comes from figuring out who you are not. So instead of stressing about how E is fitting in at her new school, I’m going to encourage her to be curious about what this transition is teaching her about who she is and the places she belongs.
The five..
(Five things that are adding value or bringing joy to my life right now....)
Tern GSD e-bike. Since getting an e-bike last month I’m totally convinced that they are going to change the world! The Tern GSD is a cargo e-bike, so it has capacity to transport me and both kids (plus school bags). Our commute is about 3.5km - too far to walk or for very beginner riders and little legs to manage, but it felt too short to justify taking the car. One of my goals this year is to make some small changes to better align my life with my values and the bike feels like a manifestation of that. Everytime I ride it I feel like I’m reinforcing and living in to my values around health and time outdoors and sustainability and family connection. It was a significant investment, but it’s made me realise that intentional purchases that reflect your values are often worthwhile and can be real source of joy. And on a very practical level, I’m finding this bike mirror super useful.
Stoop Inbox. I subscribe to a number of email newsletters which I really enjoy reading (I wrote about some of them in previous Head & Heart updates here and here) but it's hard to keep track of what I've subscribed to and the emails often get lost in my inbox. Stoop Inbox is a web-based service and app that consolidates them all in one place. It's like an RSS-feed reader for newsletters. (I discovered Stoop Inbox via Nick Crocker's newsletter).
Squiz Kids. On the topic of email newsletters, one that I love is The Squiz (a daily round up of what's making news, delivered with a dash of humour). The team at the The Squiz have just released a daily podcast for kids, Squiz Kids. I like that E is engaged without the screen-induced zombification. Highly recommend for anyone with primary school aged kids - it's good for listening over breakfast or on the morning commute - and it's not painful for parents to listen!
The life changing magic of making do. Moving house makes you much more aware of your 'stuff'. We had a blissful couple of weeks between our uplift and furniture delivery where we had far fewer belongings (granted we were staying with family in fully furnished homes). I certainly didn't miss much, and with less stuff came less responsibility and a feeling of greater freedom. As I continue my slow, small steps to refine our 'stuff' in reflection of a more simple, minimal, conscious way of being, this reminder to 'make do' was good to read.
Making do is a deeply pragmatic philosophy. It means asking of our things the only question we should ever ask of them: “Can you fulfill your intended use for me?” The answer – if we can be honest, and resist a moment of discomfort, inconvenience or boredom – is, extraordinarily often, yes. Making do is about taming the reflex to discard, replace or upgrade; it’s about using things well, and using them until they are used up. Taken literally, it simply means making something perform – making it do what it ought to do.
Austin Kleon’s method of writing. I've been wanting to write more for many years but a mixture of fear, procrastination and constant distraction has got in the way. I have so many ‘dumb thoughts’ so I feel like this strategy is a good one and worth a try!