Head & Heart #47: Passing the baton
And getting my past, present and future selves to be kinder to each other!
My past, present and future selves have not always been on the best terms. They (we?) can be like bickering siblings or dysfunctional colleagues - deflecting blame and responsibility onto each other. Present Clare often feels bitterly disappointed in Past Clare and gives her a really hard time - 'why did you eat that?', 'you shouldn't have said that', 'why didn't you work harder?', 'why didn't you save more?', 'you should have done something about that' etc. So much criticism. So many 'shoulds'.
And Present Clare isn't that kind to Future Clare either. She's often deferring responsibility for taking action and leaving things to Future Clare. Present Clare feels self-righteous and organised by making plans and schedules and undertaking goal setting on behalf of Future Clare. Of course it’s nice to be the one setting the goal, but not actually having to do all that much to actually make it happen!
But given how much Present Clare dumps on Past Clare, there is also an expectation that Future Clare will do something similar to Present Clare. This just makes Present Clare feel guilty and like she's already disappointing Future Clare. Oh my goodness, sometimes being in my head is exhausting!
I've been thinking about how unproductive and unkind and dysfunctional this dynamic is. Talking to your kids or colleagues in this way just leads to resentment, frustration and anxiety. So if I wouldn’t talk to my children or my co-workers in this way, then why on earth do I do it to myself?
And it made me wonder, what would it be like if my selves (past, present and future) worked together kindly and cooperatively? What if they were like a team rather than individuals seeking to deflect and defer pain and discomfort to someone else? What if we were running a relay race and constantly passing the baton between us?
In a relay the only part of the race you can really do anything about is your own. There is no point in criticising the previous runner, my past self. Her part of the race is done. I can learn from her experiences (the good and not so good) and adjust my course and my strategy accordingly. I can thank her for doing her part, for running her race, for handing me the baton along with the strength, wisdom and resources she's gained.
And I can't leave it all up to Future Clare, I've got to do my bit to get the baton to her. Right here, right now. But instead of being motivated by the fear of letting her down, instead I can imagine her cheering for me, encouraging me, guiding me.
While I intellectually understand the value of self-compassion, I’ve long struggled with how to actually do self-compassion. But imagining this relay team and practicing being a great teammate feels like a good start.
The five
(Five things that are bringing me joy, comfort, wisdom or relief right now...)
Merry People boots. It is cold and wet in southern Australia right now, so my Merry People boots are getting a good workout. One of the things I do love about living in the country (and working from home) is that my footwear choices can be all about function and comfort - so gumboots are a wardrobe staple!
A solo getaway to stay at M I N U S H A. My friend Sass has created this gorgeous Airbnb/retreat space in Adelaide. Her vision was all about creating a space that is nourishing and relaxing. A place to rest and recharge - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively. And she's done it so beautifully well. I've had the pleasure of staying here overnight (and I'm typing this newsletter draft from the warm cosy bed watching the rainy, windy weather in the beautiful courtyard outside). Staying here really does feel like receiving a gentle, familiar, accepting embrace.
Big Friendship.
"It's hard to remember who we were that night at Dayo's house, before we were friends. Not only because it was a long time ago but also because we have changed each other in countless ways, from the profound to the imperceptible. We didn't just meet each other that night. We began the process of making each other into the people we are today. Although we're self-confident enough to know that we would have been great if our paths had never converged, we cannot imagine what that alternate reality looks like. It's impossible to untangle us."
I loved reading Big Friendship so much and it made me reflect on all the wonderful, important friendships my own life and how they've evolved over time and how they've changed me. Friendship is an under-researched, under-valued, under-celebrated and under-ritualised relationship (compared to romantic or familial relationships) so it’s so lovely to read a book that honours and cherishes it. The book is co-written by Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow (who also host the Call Your Girlfriend podcast). Ann also publishes one of my favourite email newsletters.
Readwise. I've recently discovered the Readwise service which consolidates all the highlights and notes from books you've read (most easily via Kindle, but you can also add highlights from paper books via a phone app/OCR) and then sends you a daily email with a selection of 5 different highlights from 5 different books. I often find myself reading a book and then a few months later failing to recall much of what it contained or why I liked or disliked it. So it's been really nice to be reminded of long-forgotten passages and deepen my learning through this spaced repetition.
COVID vaccinations. I got my second dose yesterday and I don't think I've ever been so excited to get an injection!
Some other things I've been reading/watching/listening to (and enjoying) lately... Past seasons of Lego Masters with the kids (related - if Lego is your (or your kids) thing, the BrickIt app is amazing!). Anne Lamott's Help Thanks Wow. The 70 Over 70 podcast for wisdom and perspective from the elders. Do not ask your children to strive. Aim to be interested rather than interesting. Feminist writer Jessica Valenti's new email newsletter, All in Her Head. The YA novel, Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus. Episodes of Kristen Bell and Monica Padman's new Shattered Glass podcast with Oprah and Malala Yousafzai. Smash Boom Best on car trips with kids.
On the work front… I’m running another Designing Your (Work) Life group coaching program starting in less than two weeks. If you’re feeling stuck or in need of some career re-design I’d love to work with you. The details are here.
Photo: Wintertime means backyard campfires and marshmallows (on Ngarrindjeri country).