Head & Heart #42: Making the decision right
On navigating decisions, plus 5 things that have made me think/feel lately....
When Ella was 10 weeks old she started losing weight. As the person responsible for producing and supplying Ella's only source of nutrition this caused much guilt and anxiety (especially for a sleep-deprived first-time mum) and triggered a flurry of appointments and intervention - including a residential program at the QE2 Family Centre ('sleep school'). By the time we reached the end of the program, I had spoken to and sought advice from nine midwives, four maternal & child health nurses, a GP and 2 volunteer Australian Breastfeeding Association counsellors. On the final day at QE2 I remember speaking with a midwife, Wendy, and feeling overwhelmed and unsure about what do to - whether to persevere with trying to breastfeed which was often challenging for both Ella and I - or to switch to formula which E seemed to be guzzling down. Wendy just looked at me and said “You have the information, now you have to make a decision. What do you want to do?” This was the first time someone had asked me so directly. To now be told that I was actually responsible for making a decision was both empowering and terrifying.
I feared making the wrong decision. I worried about the pain and discomfort for me, and the potential health consequences for Ella. I worried that I wouldn't live up to my own expectations. I was anxious about the judgment and reactions and opinions of other people, and about the potential regret that I may feel later on. These fears kept me stuck. Stuck researching and thinking and analysing and doubting and seeking out more and more opinions and reassurance. Wouldn’t someone just tell me the right decision to make?
Lately I’ve been thinking about making the right decisions as we navigate a lot of little decisions regarding preparing our Canberra house for sale, and also the big decision still in front of us - where in South Australia will we settle?
This decision-making ‘stuckness’ is also something I talk about with coaching clients. Often the reason that they've sought coaching is to assist them in making a decision. But not just any decision, the right decision. Perhaps they’re contemplating whether to apply for a promotion, what graduate rotation opportunity to choose, whether to go back to uni to do their Masters or to retrain in a different field, whether to leave their sector and try something new. And they are stuck. They are searching for some new information which will compel their decision, or a way to make sense of what they know and feel so that the decision becomes obvious. Sometimes that happens, but often there is no clear right decision to take. Each option has pros and cons, uncertainties and unknowns.
When stuck and exhausted from the thinking and over-thinking, I try to remind myself (and my clients) that rather than continuing to invest time and energy in making the right decision, instead it can be better to make the decision right.
In practice I think this means...
Stop the research and analysis. That’s not to say that you can’t be open to new information if it emerges, but time and energy spent continuing to research after you’ve made the decision could be better directed elsewhere.
Shift from anxiety to curiosity. Rather than worrying about things that could go wrong on the path you’ve chosen to take, get curious and approach it like a great adventure. Ask ‘I wonder what will happen?’ or 'What can I learn?'. (HT to Deanne Duncombe for suggesting this in a recent LinkedIn post).
Make the most of the 'pros' and look for little signs from the universe that you made a great decision. In a recent podcast interview (see The Five below) Kelly McGonigal shared a quote that stuck with me - ‘the focus of your attention determines the quality of your life’. It is a choice to focus your attention on looking for the good. You can just as easily do the opposite. And these good things might be small, unintended benefits of your decision - like a fantastic new coffee shop near your new workplace, or making a new friend. Gratitude is a practice. The more you do it, the more you find to be grateful for.
The five....
(Five things that are adding value or bringing joy to my life right now....)
The Little Girl that Gave Zero Fucks by Amy Kean. Over the last few weeks I've found myself talking about this book with many women (particularly aged 35+) who are exhausted and have decided that they don’t want to expend their precious time and energy contorting themselves to meet other people’s expectations. It’s written as a picture book (for adults) and it made me want to be much more discerning about who I give my fucks away to!
An evening meditation/gratitude/sleep practice. I’ve been trying out a new practice recommended by Kelly McGonigal in an interview on the 10% Happier podcast. Once you’re in bed and ready to go to sleep you close your eyes and start replaying your day. Think about every person you interacted with and find something to thank them for. It’s kind of a loving-kindness/gratitude/sleep-inducing practice all rolled into one. More often than not, I only get through a few people before I’m fast asleep.
Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice. This is a recording of a lecture and Q&A delivered in late 2016 by Brené Brown. Like all of Brené’s stuff, it’s packed with storytelling and vulnerability and humour and wisdom. After writing about belonging and fitting in the last Head & Heart post it was interesting to hear these themes discussed by Brené. There was also some great stuff about the value of writing.
And I’ve been consuming some more Brené wisdom in the form of a new-ish interview with her on the Tim Ferriss podcast which has (among other great content) some really good advice about marriage/partnership.
Libraries. I borrowed Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice on the Libby app using my public library membership. If you haven't already joined your public library, it really is such a great thing to do. Even if you never set foot in a branch to borrow a physical book, you can still borrow heaps of e-books and audiobooks. Our new local library is small, but the librarians are super lovely, and I'm enjoying making regular after-school visits with E. She has also been making a lot of use of the school library and I've been reflecting on how important libraries are in communities and schools as safe spaces and as portals to other worlds and possibilities.
You’re not listening, here’s why. I like to think that I’m a good listener (listening is a big part of what I do professionally), but I know that sometimes I fall short with my husband and kids. Apparently, the closer we feel to someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them.
Photo by James Wheeler from Pexels